Basic Emotions (LOVE) Hello again, dear readers. Today we will take the opportunity to publish some articles that may not seem directly related to coaching, but indirectly. To evolve, change aspects of our lives and achieve goals, it is very important that we know how our brain and our emotions. We've seen aspects of how our brain responds dealing with anxiety, motivation, and manage our emotions ... . Well, today we are going to look as controversial as love, then then talk about the emotional dependency. It is very important to touch these issues because in the future, may be an obstacle in our process of change.
Article I propose today, I found my dear friend and reader of the blog, Javier Martos, by the network. To be exact is
an article in "The Country" , entitled "Why love ends?" It's long, but very interesting and highly recommended.
all want to love and be loved. However, many close relationships end becoming synonymous with routine, conflict and suffering. Despite our good intentions, very few people manage to keep the flame of love over time.
Why are relationships so complicated? Why cause so much pain and suffering? Why love ends? As hard as it may seem, increasingly, experts say this is because, first, "love never existed." Thinks so and writes the renowned therapist Louise L. Hay, author of
You Can Heal Your Life and
The power is within you . "While at first it confused with infatuation, later return of error believing that love is the feeling of love, "he says.
" Many people stop loving their partners because they no longer have feelings of love for them, "said Hay." victimization and is a reactive approach. More than anything because feelings arise as a result of our attitudes and loving. To truly love must take responsibility for creating this type of conduct proactive in developing our relationship service. "
The crux of the matter is that" it is impossible to love others unless we love ourselves first " says Hay. This is precisely what we found Sergio Piera after breaking their relationship. "Because of our lack of self esteem, we our partner sentimental affection, appreciation, recognition and support that we are not ourselves, "says Hay.
But what, then, self-esteem? Etymologically, it is a noun formed by the prefix Greek autos
-meaning himself-and the Latin word
-verb aestima
aestimare, meaning evaluate, assess, assess. Thus, self-esteem is defined as "the way in which we value ourselves. "And it's not over-or underestimate, but to see us and accept us as we are. This is the journey
proposed self-knowledge and personal development, both processes increasing more integrated and demand in our society.
As the philosopher John Gray wrote, "Men are from Mars and women from Venus." And is that despite being part of the same species are different biological, physical and psychological. "The opportunity to join, and even merge emotionally and sexually, going to understand and exploit this difference and to complement each other as partners," explains the expert in psychobiology, David Deida, author of
The superior man's way and Closely communion. After a decade conducting research projects at the University of California, Deida has concluded that "a of the keys to lasting relationships is to keep alive the sexual passion. For the attraction and desire to vanish is not necessary that one of the two lovers embodies and promotes the male role (vigor, strength and initiative) and the other female, which highlights the warmth, empathy and responsiveness " . According to Deida, there are two types of sexual essences
: the male and female, do not necessarily correspond with men and women, but the role they play in the couple. "In essence
male sexual
female sexual essence is the search for love, affection and complicity in their world of relationships, led for they have with their partner. "moves him to seek freedom at any cost, time and energy invested in achieving different goals and objectives. It is responsible for providing security and direction to the relationship.
priority in view Deida, "to the extent that the lovers are polarized, knowing and respecting their differences, attraction, sexual desire and passion not only grow, but become sustainable over the years." To achieve this, "the sexual essence
men must transcend their obsession with freedom, more time and energy to take care of your bond. "Meanwhile," the essence
female sexual desire has to overcome her to be loved, learning to be more autonomous and independent emotionally and leaving space for your partner not to drown. "As has been found Eulalia Casas," the more freedom enjoyed by the relationship, the more likely it is true love to flourish, "concludes Deida.
I can not live with you or without you. " This is the refrain of a famous song by the rock band U2, played live for the first time on April 4, 1987. Two decades later, Rolling Stone magazine considered one of the 500 greatest songs of all time. Today it has become a universal song about our inability to be in a relationship. However much we try, we find it hard to live with the person you love
. And as much as we try, do not endure without it. Like it or not, we often get caught by this dilemma. Of course, despite the pain and suffering we experience when we end our romantic relationships, we never give up. No matter how old we are. Not even our emotional curriculum. As Miguel Elipe, none of us want to give love and be loved.
Many say that love is something that can not be sought, but ends up appearing in our lives. However, such is the need to share our lives with someone, who in recent years are proliferating marriage agencies and centers personal relationships. Cupids professionals with more customers each time due to lack of time and effort to create new relationships. Other centers
, Alter Ego now has 10,000 clients, aged between 25 and 80. Eva Selles, one of its psychologists, dismantle the belief that "opposites attract." For a couple to work, "the two people have to have common principles and values \u200b\u200band concerns, likes and hobbies
like." Yes, "in this emotional support there is plenty of room for difference, which is what allows the two are complementary." Such agencies
develop a psychological profile of stakeholders and from there make a selection of candidates that could
work as a couple are given a phone number and you can set the first date. Selles said that "it only takes a few minutes to substantiate that the two parties if there is a certain chemistry emotional, physical and sexual abuse. This is something that a computer can never be determined."
Lerin Elizabeth's experience and Thomas Suc shows that true love is based on three pillars: first, personal responsibility, which is that every lover take care of yourself psychologically. Second, interdependence. Having conquered the autonomy and emotional independence, learning is to build a constructive coexistence, honest and respectful. And finally, appreciate and enjoy the person with whom we share our life as it is.
This is precisely what the doctor wrote neuropsychiatrist and psychoanalyst Fritz Perls, creator, along with his wife, Laura Perls, of Gestalt therapy: "I am me, you're you. I did not come into this world to live by your expectations. You did not come into this world to live up to my expectations. I do my life, you do yours. If we agree, is wonderful. If not, there is nothing to do. "
If our relations today are marked by the routine, the conflict and suffering is because nobody has taught us to love. But like any art, practice-based learning and making mistakes. And if not just ask Elizabeth and Thomas. They have discovered that love is like the seed of a flower. To shoot, exhale their scent and provide fruit to life requires daily care. Like the flower, love needs to be watered with water, fed by several hours of sun and be pampered with a dose of tenderness and affection every day. The challenge of each pair is to turn this metaphor into a reality, exploring in each case what is the best way to go. We must never forget that, sooner or later reap what we sow.
Love is a word much abused by society. So much so, that at first is often confused with infatuation. In view of the clinical psychologist Walter Riso, an expert on relationships, "falling in love is a state of attraction and passion that usually lasts between six months and two years, closely related to our biological need for procreation." Put another way: it is the trap that we fall when we lived conditioned by our instinct for survival. During this period, "we become obsessed with the loved one, wanting to be with her all the time and at any price. It's like a spell physiological reason our cloudy, becoming addicted to the object of our desire." Psychologically, "falling in love lead us to distort reality by projecting an idealized image of our partner." As happened to Gomero Paquita, "we are so blinded by the intense emotional turmoil we feel in our heart, we do not see the other as he is, but as we wish it were," says Riso.
And based on this distorted view, "many people are committed, get married or make other important decisions that determine their future emotional," says Riso, author of Loving or rely
? , highly dangerous Amores
and limits of love. Once fade the effects of falling in love begin to be lovers as they really are. "And then starts the real relationship, love can grow a healthy, nutritious and sustainable," said the expert. At this point the road is where it shows the genuine commitment of the couple.
The paradox inherent in our bonds of affection is that we all want to be loved, but how many really love? And is that something is wanting, and quite another to love. According to clinical psychologist Walter Riso: "We want to when we feel an emptiness and lack we believe that the other must be filled with His love." Instead, "abundant love and fulfillment when we experience within us, making us accomplices to the welfare of our partner. "
Unless each of the two lovers be happy to take responsibility for itself, the relationship can become a battlefield. In fact," many couples end up locking your love in jail emotional dependence, mistakenly believing that the other is the only source of happiness, "says Riso." That's when the attachment on the scene (the belief that without the other can not live), jealousy (fear of losing the romantic partner), possessiveness (treat the other as if we belonged) and the bitterness that leads us to feel anger and even hatred toward our partner, believing that is the cause of our malaise.
And last but not least, we know that every conflict we have with our spouse leaves wounds in our minds and in our hearts. Furthermore, "over time, our brain weaves a neural network in which are stored all these unpleasant episodes of psychological violence," said the expert. This is the reason why sometimes, when the relationship is very poor, just a simple comment to begin a new and unpleasant discussion. The truth is that Riso has worked with partners who, beyond separation, have completed literally destroyed.
According to the latest data from the General Council of the Judiciary (CGPJ), last year there were 123,450 divorces in Spain, separations and annulments, compared with 131,317 in 2008 and 141,246 in 2007. "This downward trend has nothing to do with a substantial improvement of living together," said José García Berzosa divorce lawyer. Apparently there are other less romantic reasons: "The economic crisis has forced families to buckle," says Garcia Berzosa
For most who have ceased to love, many couples can not afford the 1,200 euros that it costs an uncontested divorce agreement. And let alone pay a minimum of 1,800 euros, which is what it's worth carrying the dirt to a court room. Still, in many cases, the emotional rift between the two spouses is so great that do not hesitate to dip into their savings, and even ask some credit, for a judge to decide how to resolve their dispute sentimental. Among other curious cases, Garcia Berzosa recalls a couple who divorced the day after her honeymoon and another that did remain and octogenarians, a week after burying her only son.
funny thing is that a large proportion of these separations take place in September, just after the holidays. "It is true that work and marital routine every day devours any chance of nurturing the love between partners, but so is the same routine that keeps them busy and distracted," said the divorce lawyer.
So when lovers live together intensively for several weeks straight, "is when you can end up recognizing that no longer bear more." This is when separation may become a
alchemical process , turning love into hate.
